Why We Don't Force Sharing
Sharing is a common topic I get asked about as a mom to six and as a teacher. Usually, when I answer, I am met with some very weird looks!
First and foremost, we do things a little differently in our home and in our classroom. We do not enforce sharing per se. Instead, we have community toys/items and personal toys/items. Some things are meant to be used/played with by all while others are meant for their owner.
We have an agreement that our personal things ought to stay close to home and if we have company, we may put it away however, if we want to have it out, we don’t have to share, but we must be prepared to expect friends to ask and possibly be upset. While their feelings are not our responsibility, it is important to prepare our kiddos for that interaction so that they can make the decision to remove that particular temptation. We also reiterate that we can and should empathize with their siblings/classmates feelings, but upholding our boundary is not cause for guilt.
Anyway, in the classroom, any personal item is similarly treated. We do not have to share our personal items but we need to communicate with compassion and firmness that we do not want to share. However, community items, we do share…after we are done working with said item. So how does that look?
Instead of saying, “Jane, share the markers”, we might say, “Jane, Cisco would like to use the markers. When you are done working with them, will you let them know?” Usually, this prompt is met with automatic sharing! Kids naturally want to include their friends, especially with the understanding that community and classroom items are meant for everyone.
When kids don’t feel like they have to protect everything, they are more likely and willing to collaborate and play with items together. After all, sharing is the ability to compromise, to take turns, and to work together to achieve a common goal.
Fast tips for fostering sharing
Make sure your kiddos have a few special items just for themselves. These do not need to be luxurious things. It can be anything, but growing up knowing that you have some things that are yours is very empowering, particularly in larger families! It doesn’t mean you are materialistic-we all like to have a few things to ourselves, right?
Give ample opportunities for kiddos to practice decision-making when it comes to sharing. Communicate that they have the right to not share their personal items but also inform them how some friends might get upset. Talk about how to empathize and communicate with friends while sticking to your boundary. Encourage your kiddo to be a part of the decision-making. If your kiddo says, “maybe we should leave Ms. Uni at home today”, respect that. If your kiddo says, “I think I want to give friend a few minutes with my Beyblade”, talk about how that might look. What will they say? How many minutes do they feel comfortable with?
Play games and do projects together that build resilience when you must take turns to ensure the activity works. Getting to work through those feelings of ownership and non-ownership can help kids identify how they feel and how to deal.
Lastly, encourage clear communication. Often, kids are willing to share, but just would like a few minutes and do not want to be shamed or forced. Simply model sharing and the communication of said skill. Ask them, “I would like to play with the Beyblade; may I play with it next to you for five minutes?” This specificity gives them the example they need to work with friends.